when I run, I run for THE PEOPLE. And the Karate Kid.

Running 10 kilometers through Bakersfield on any given day? Hell.


Running a 10-kilometer race through a section of Bakersfield on site of a correctional facility neighboring a massive cow farm with massive cow smell and conquering obstacles of hurdles, mud pits, walls, rope crawls, trenches, log walks, ditches, hills, slides and 6-foot-deep water-filled ditches?


Puuuuure HEAVEN.

Volkslauf (pronounced fullxlauwf, rhymes with chokeswowf) is German for "The People's Run", but... call me a race-ist or whatever, but even though there are 2000 participants, I don't think "people" in general should be running anywhere near this thing. It's no walk in the park, unless your park is filled with Marine sergeants yelling at you to keep moving, loser, and requiring you to cartoon-run through a half-mile ditch of chest-deep freezing-cold twig-and-hay-filled muddy water. And that was just Obstacle #8 out of 29.

Not that I am some big racer myself. I don't really like running (booooring), so I wasn't In It To Win It-- really I just wanted to finish. And get all kinds of dirty, and laugh a whole lot. I sure didn't train for this--haven't really run since last December when I accidentally ran a half-marathon--so I'm just glad I was able to get over most of the walls and didn't die. So, I may not have finished in the top ten, or even the top 100 of female 10k-ers, per se, but... I DID finish in the top... 124! Hard-core!

(And I just barely missed finishing as number 125--whew-- but that's because I had the good sense to sprint ahead down the last descent and five yards to the finish alone, suddenly ditching my triathlon friend and running mate Eva who had held back the whole time so we could do the race together. I think she was okay with it, and of course very happy for me, in the end.)

And, well, they may not have given out any medals for 124th place (jerks), but I did NOT go home without a few mementos from the race! 27 mementos, to be exact. One for each of the 26 obstacles I completed (no way was I climbing that 20-foot slat wall), plus a bonus! I win!

Yep, those are all real bruises, and all from the Volkslauf. And all very, very pretty.

Am I delicate, or am I hard-core? You decide.

(for an even more graphic image, click to enlarge)

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Some select photos...

THE TEAM

(pre-race stretches)

Jennie-San, Tank Top Dale, Extreme John, I-was-robbed-of-124th-place Eva

pre-race puking from the cow whiff:

and pre-race saluting the crane-raised ginormous flag

Remembering why we were there.

Because THIS IS AMERICA, people.

Remembering our freedom from the Germans and all that.

We were racing for Old Glory, for Betsy Ross, and for

the inmates of Lerdo Jail Facility, Bakersfield, CA.

THE RACE

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we went OVER things

(check out the sergeant shaking his fist at me!

He knew I was about to make a break for it and go around the wall, instead of over it, as soon as we helped Eva over.)

we went UNDER things

(under the cargo nets on the right, we were sprayed with hoses as we crawled through. Just like 'Nam.)

ACROSS

(here's where I got my sweet rope burn)

UP

DOWN

and THROUGH

(my cannonball into the last trench. You can just barely see my Ralph Macchio headband)

check out everyone's faces! Hah! Six-foot deep, final swim to the last hill. This is how Eva got her mud-goatee.

John demonstrating the true Volkslauf Ultimate Challenge. This is why we call him Extreme John. Also because, even with a hurt knee, he can still run a race 30 minutes faster than a perfectly-healthy sidekick . Puh. What's with that.

BEST FACE EVER

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THE FINISH

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AND, FINALLY...

grapes soaked in the dirty mud from your hands? No worry.

dirty socks? Toss them in the "discard" pile as you ascend the final ramp.

the sweet reward of your disgusting self being hosed down by a fireman.

Ohhhh, yeah.

See you next year!